Updated: May 18, 2019
Even us recovering addicts that knows all the signs, can tell when people are high from across the room, and have been through the process can sometimes still have our blind spots when it comes to our loved ones.
When I was first getting clean, I got clean with my now ex husband. And we stayed clean together for a little, but then he made a different decision and decided to get high. He was getting high long before it was out in the open. Because we got high together for so long, I knew all the signs. I remember even asking him straight out at one point if he was getting high and I chose to believe him when he told me he wasn't.
I remember this one occasion where he left at around 3am. I woke up and he wasn't there. I fell back asleep and a couple hours later he reappeared. I asked him where in the hell he had been. He said he couldn't sleep so he ran down to the gas station to clean the car. I actually believed that crap even when I noticed him acting really strange. I knew something was up but I still chose to believe him. Every instinct told me he was getting high, and I overrode every instinct for over a month.
I even demanded we go and get a drug screen. He called my bluff and said he would happily go get a drug screen, but there would be nothing that showed up. He used the manipulation tactic that it would change our relationship and it would be all MY fault for not believing him. He was just going through a lot, that's why he was acting strange. AND I STILL BELIEVED HIM.
Having to face this stuff on a regular basis, I will still run into times with my friends I am close with where my denial overrides my instincts. It's so frustrating.
My point is we all have blind spots when it comes to our loved ones.
We just do. It has taken me a long time to stop beating myself up for falling victim to my denial. We so desperately want to believe them and we don't want to have to go through with having to set those difficult boundaries. We just want them to be ok. We make excuses for them in our heads as to why they are acting like they are.
We can't handle the idea that they are lying to us AGAIN.
And we simply don't want to have to deal with the consequences of THEIR addiction. Sometimes it takes another person bringing us out of our denial. Because we all have these blind spots and are bias, we need unbiased people in our lives to point out the truth.
It may not always immediately break us out of the denial we have chosen to live in, but it can plant the seed for when we are able to handle the reality of the situation. That's why having other people around who are unbiased and can point things out can be very beneficial for reminding us we are human and we do have these blind spots.
If you are tired of being lied to and believing their bullshit, getting manipulated into giving them what they want even though you aren't sure if you are killing them, and tired of feeling like you just can't do anything right by them to make them stop, it's time for your own support through this. Get help now and Set up a free strategy call
Jennifer Maneely has spent the last eight years investing in leadership programs, self-awareness, and relationship with families through communication. Drawing on her experience as a leadership consultant, she uses an executive coaching approach to working with parents. She has dedicated her life and her business to not only addicts in need but also understanding and supporting the needs of the family members. Being a recovering addict herself, she is trained in what it takes for an addict to get their life back and has spent years teaching family members how to respond to the addicts to prevent the families from unintentionally supporting the addict in their self-sabotage and destructive patterns of behaviors. Want to stop supporting your loved one in their addiction? Set up a free strategy call