My addiction took me down a very dark hole I knew I wasn't getting out of. I didn't want help, I wanted to die, and I knew I was going to die. I had dug myself in too deep to get out of.
My last day using, I was so far gone, I don't remember much about that day, but I remember one thing, the thing my mom said to me that changed my life.
All the bullshit lies I had been telling everyone, all the hiding what was really happening, all the manipulation, it had finally caught up to me and I was backed into a corner. My mom was in town visiting. We didn't live in the same state so there was no way she knew everything that was happening in my life, but she knew something was up and came searching for me when I didn't show up for dinner the night before. (I made up an excuse to get out of dinner because I was too high)
When she found me and figured out everything that was going on, she sat me down and we had a long conversation. I remember none of that conversation except this, she said:
"Jen, you may be mad at me and trying to punish me for things that have happened in your life, but if you haven't noticed, I have a very good life. And I am going to continue to live it, and I will learn to live without you. That means if you choose to continue living this way, I will learn to live without you. If you end up killing yourself, I will grieve your death and learn to live without you."
What I didn't know at that time was how long and how hard it was for her to get to that point to say that to me and actually mean it. And it was the "meaning it" part that penetrated whatever sort of drug haze I was in. I didn't know she had been working on herself through self-awareness training for the last three years (Kicking and screaming I might add) to get to the point she could actually let me go.
I went into rehab the next day, and have not used since and this was over 12 years ago. But, I could have gone the other way.
I chose life
There are three ways people stop using drugs:
1. Inspired by the families
2. In Spite of the families
3. They die
What I want most for the families out there that are going through this right now is to learn how to inspire (even if it is kicking and screaming). My recovery was inspired by my family and your loved one can be inspired too.
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