Oh the Lies: What To Do About It?

When it comes to having a loved one with SUD (Substance Use Disorder), it’s all the lying that can make us start feeling crazy!!!

All the freaking lies they tell, lies they don’t even have to tell.

Many times, you scratch your head going, “Why did they even lie about that? I wouldn’t have even cared if they told me the truth.”

There are a few different reasons why they do this. The main one is that it’s a great tactic to throw you off and distract you from the things they don’t want you to know about.

Sure, they know you don’t believe anything they have to say for the most part, which makes it much easier to hide the truths they want to hide from you. They throw in the truth now and then to throw you off their scent for a minute. It can drive you crazy.

What can you do about it? Most of us in this situation spend so much time and energy fighting their lying, trying to prove to them and yourself that they are lying. We go into detective mode and micromanage their world so they “don’t get away with it.”

That is so much energy; it’s exhausting.

Not to mention all the judgment, anger, and resentment that come with our detective work. O, we will find out the truth, but it never makes us feel any better. You are never going to get them to stop the lying charade. Most of the time, that is what people are looking for, solutions to lying problems that revolve around asking, “How do I get them to stop lying.” The answer is, YOU DON’T.

I get it; that is not the answer you want to hear. So, you have some choices from here. You can keep on doing what you’re doing and continue to seek how to get them to stop lying. You can keep doing your detective work in your quest to find the truth and continue to end up angry, resentful, lonely, and defeated.

OR

You can figure out how you will live peacefully, happily, and compassionately despite their lies. You may even sleep better at night. Wouldn’t that be nice?!

And how exactly are we supposed to do that?

For starters, it will require some inner work on your part. DAMMIT!!!!! I know. I get it. And again, you have choices. It’s ok if you want to keep doing what you are doing.

You have to ask yourself, "are you ok with how you are feeling right now about your life and the direction you are going?” If the answer is no, and you desperately want to change your feelings, then keep reading.

One of the first things I tell people to do in these situations is to figure out whom they can talk to about this stuff. Most of the time, I have found, it’s not other family members. Sometimes it is, but most of the time, they have their judgment, anger, and resentments, and they can’t help us. It seems they add fuel to the fire.

Not everyone in your life can help you the way you need: People can’t give you what they don’t have themselves. Find people that can support you and talk to them. Sometimes it may be family, but most of the time, it’s outside the family unit. Family often comes with too much other emotional baggage to be able to support us through something like this. Try to find someone close enough to you but distant enough from the situation that they can support you. They don’t have to fully understand what you are going through to help you be loving, compassionate, and caring towards yourself. And that is what you need.

It’s not personal. It feels personal, we take it personally, and it’s not personal. We strive hard to create a safe place for them so they can feel safe telling us the truth. We beg them to be honest. We swear we won’t be upset by anything they say as long as they are upfront. And so, when they continue to do it, we ask ourselves, what did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough for them to tell me the truth? What can I do better? Find people that can help ground you in remembering it’s not personal.

Expectations are premeditated resentments: I have found this to be accurate repeatedly. Sometimes I swear I don’t have expectations, and then expectations I don’t even realize I have are not met, and boom, resentment. Ugh. Time and time again, they show us they aren’t ready to tell the truth about anything. And yet, we continue to get mad when they lie. We know they will lie; they have a pattern of lying; we already don’t believe anything they say, and yet, we still get surprised and mad when they lie. How frustrating that can be for us.

Bottom line: if you are resentful, judgmental, angry, exhausted, lonely, fearful, ashamed, and sick and tired of being sick and tired, it’s time to find some people in your life that can help you. You can feel happy again. You can live your life the way you want to. You can support them, have compassion and feel love for them again. It comes down to this. The willingness to work on those little emotional trigger buttons keeps hitting you. Luckily, we get to choose how we feel. We may not always have all the tools and resources we have at the present moment to achieve that goal. We would have already done it if we knew how to do it ourselves. 

If you are ready to live the life you want, maybe it’s time to reach out to someone who can help.