Tough Love: What is it Really?
Tough love is not about being tough on them; it's about having to make decisions that are tough to do. Having a loved one with substance use disorder (SUD) can be challenging. We may question whether or not we are “enabling” or wonder how to actually do “tough love.”
I’m going to focus on the term "tough love." We often look at the word "tough" and find ourselves defining it to mean we must be "hard" on them. We must tell them all the hard truths and how they are destroying their lives and the people around them. To some, tough love may mean turning our backs on them. We could almost call it "Harsh Love".
When it comes to challenging definitions like tough love, I often ground myself in what Google has to say. Google defines "tough love" as the "promotion of a person's welfare, especially that of an addict child, or criminal, by enforcing certain constraints on them, or requiring them to take responsibility for their actions."
Requiring them to take responsibility for their actions can often be an uphill battle. This is where I define tough love as "sometimes having to make decisions that are tough to do." Usually, when we find ourselves "requiring" things of people, we unintentionally try to force things through angry words and shame. We must remember the love part
Our anger and resentment can get in the way of the tough decisions we need to make. Instead, we try to force responsibility on them by shaming our loved ones, hoping they will feel so much shame that they may see what they are doing and change their ways. I don't believe we do this intentionally; it comes from not knowing what else to do.
Brene Brown wrote in her book "Daring Greatly" about the difference between guilt and shame. She says this about guilt: "I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it's holding something we've done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort."
She goes on to define shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."
The people we care about that have SUD live in shame. I know this because I also struggled with this at one point in my life. I was addicted to drugs, and I was destroying my life. I believed it was the best I could do, and as bad as my life was, it was what I deserved. I didn't think I was worthy of anything better.
When we have loved ones struggling and living in shame, yes, they need to take responsibility for their lives. Our actions in our decisions can metaphorically hold that mirror up for them and see that their behaviors are causing their consequences.
For instance, hypothetically, let's say a loved one with SUD is living in their parents' house. Those parents put conditions around their loved one staying with them that were along the lines of they cannot use drugs at all while living under their roof. Say that loved one did use drugs while staying with their parents. Are the parents kicking them out? NO! The loved one made a choice, knowing the consequences. The tough love part is allowing them their choices and allowing them the consequences of those choices. Enforcing the conditions is showing them love by having them take responsibility for their actions.
The challenge is not allowing our anger, fear, and resentment to cloud our judgment. If we tell ourselves we are doing this TO our loved ones, those decisions become difficult to uphold. If we tell ourselves we are doing this FOR our loved one, even though it's terrifying, we have a much higher chance of allowing them their choices.
Sometimes, the decisions to enforce and uphold our boundaries can be the tough-to-do part of tough love. However, while doing it, we can remember the love part. We can make these decisions from a grounded, loving place by reminding ourselves that we are doing this FOR them.
It can be challenging for our own emotions not to interfere with these decisions we have to make. This is why it can be helpful to have a third party to talk to when facing these "Tough Love" moments. Remember, tough love is not about being tough on them; it's about having to make decisions that are tough to do. I help ground people and guide them in delivering "Tough Love" in the most impactful and effective way. If you need support around this topic, please email me at Jennifer@ManeelyConsulting.com or go to my website, ManeelyConsulting.com, to learn more.
