Why Can’t My Loved One See What They Are Doing And Stop

Ugghhhh I know, it is so freaking frustrating watching people destroy themselves when it seems so simple to the people that are not in an insane mindset.

It can be tough to understand the mentality of a using addict. It just doesn't make sense what they are doing. You assume they have a choice, and to a certain extent, they do have a choice. And they choose to put drugs/alcohol ahead of their families, jobs, and everything.

Amid their using/drinking, the choice to stop seems almost impossible. I know that's hard to understand.

I know towards the end of my using, I prayed for death, not help to stop. I got to the point that I had accepted I wasn't going to be able to stop. Believe me, I tried, but it's harder in the grips of addiction to make that decision to put it all down.

Luckily, I did get the option to go to rehab (for the second time). Rehab gave me my choice back. When the drugs were removed, I got to choose my life again. I chose to work my ass off so I didn't feel like I needed to keep using drugs.

Some people make a different decision. They may get clean for a while, and then the shame spiral gets too great again. Their feelings get to be too overwhelming. Maybe they haven't been talking to anyone about what's happening with them, and it gets too much. And they feel as though they are left with no choice but to change how they feel. Even when they know using won't help long-term, the pain gets too much.

For people who can't possibly know what it is like to have drugs control your brain, imagine a time in your life when you got so angry it seemed like you lost control of yourself. You were able to regain control very quickly and didn't do anything too stupid, hopefully, but what if you stayed in that state? How many crazy, stupid decisions would you have made if you were at that level of anger for an extended period of time?

I know this is hard to imagine because on the outside looking in, non-addicts think that drugs are the problem. And don't get me wrong, they are a problem in some ways. When an addict is in that state of mind, it's more of the behaviors that are the problem, not the drugs themselves. So, when an addict uses, part of them doesn't believe the drugs are the problem. The drugs are the solution to the shittyness they feel with their behaviors.

For example, when a person is using drugs, it's not that they choose them over their family, friends, etc. They don't love drugs more than their kids or anything like that. They feel like a shitty person for not being a good parent, husband/wife, etc., so they use drugs to cope with feeling like a shitty person. They aren't associating that drugs make them behave poorly; they behave poorly, so they use drugs. It's not the crack smoking that is the problem; it's the taking money out of your purse that is the problem. It's not the drinking that is the problem; it's the behaviors that come once the drinking commences.

Here is another analogy. Anybody that has tried to train a dog knows that the dog's thinking is very much what is right in front of them. So, if they eat something that is not good for them, and hours later they get sick, they don't associate eating of the bad thing with why they are sick. They just know they don't feel well. The same goes for housebreaking. When we are housebreaking a dog, we may find ourselves not paying attention to where the puppy is, and the puppy leaves the room we are in, does their business, and comes back. It might be a few minutes later or hours later before we find it. We get mad and start yelling at them about doing their business in the house. Only they don't know why you are angry. They just know you are mad.

It's the same thing with an addict.

Here's part of the problem. Addiction is insanity, and logical people can't make sense of insanity. You are rational, your loved one is insane at the moment, but it doesn't mean they will always be insane. I can't tell you what the silver bullet will be for them to stop. Some people never make that choice. What I can say to help you is to focus on the behaviors. The other thing I will tell you is this is a complex issue with thousands of more layers than my dog analogy. It can be challenging to break down the layers. You may need ongoing support. This would be an excellent time to consider reaching out and seeing what is possible.