Why it's hard for your addict/alcoholic during the holidays.
It's that time of the year again; the holiday season is upon us, and things may seem to be more chaotic than usual this time of the year. Whether your loved one is recovering or still using drugs, many struggle this time of the year.
If a person is still using drugs/alcohol, whether they admit it or not, their feelings of not belonging and not feeling worthy or good enough come to the surface. Their shame and guilt about how they live their lives makes it hard to think about facing their families. They know that when they see their parents or grandparents, they will be faced with their families disapproving of their actions.
In many cases, they act disapprovingly and will be intentionally asked to leave, and then they can go off and have a pity party for themselves and continue to justify their using behavior because they are "unloved." At least, that's the stuff they tell themselves.
If they are early in their recovery, it can be difficult because, generally speaking, there is usually alcohol involved at family get-togethers. That can be hard for someone newly sober. Over time, as people in recovery learn to trust themselves, it gets easier. Early in recovery, there is a lot of pressure and new experiences they have to go through, and they don't know how to do it sober.
Remember, even if they have 2-3 years sober, that's ONLY 2-3 times they have gotten the opportunity to experience the holidays sober after years of destruction around the holidays.
I could go on and on about why it's hard for addicts/alcoholics around the holidays, but the important thing is understanding what you can do to support and help them, whether they are in recovery or still active in their substance abuse.
Here are some tips. These go for all the family members: parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, sisters, brothers, spouses, cousins, etc.
1. Maintain your boundaries with lots of love and compassion.
If you request that they show up to the family get-togethers sober, then maintain that boundary and be clear about the consequences if they show up high/drunk and remind them of their choices. You don't have to hammer the point in; you can tell them and maybe remind them gently closer to the date. Remember, if they show up inebriated after telling them the consequences of those actions, they are choosing to leave the house. You are not kicking them out to spend the holidays alone. THEY chose that. Of course, you don't want them to be alone during the holidays, but if you have to ask them to leave, be sad, but don't feel guilty.
It's essential that you stay grounded if you have to ask them to leave. Getting angry and yelling means you might be taking their actions personally. It's not personal, although I recognize that it feels incredibly personal.
2. If they follow your rules and boundaries, ENJOY them.
If they show up sober and follow your rules and boundaries, putting pressure on them to change their life, get the help they need, give advice, air out grievances, etc., you're just setting yourself up for an argument and them leaving. If you want to enjoy the holidays with your loved one, then ENJOY them. Praise them, love them, and show them how much you care about them. No pressure, no advice; you will have a chance to air your grievances later. For now, allow them to feel supported and connected to the family. I can't tell you how much of a difference this makes. And if you see other family members starting to go down this road, without making a scene, try taking the focus off your loved one. After all, how many of us enjoy lectures about how we live our lives?
3. If they are new in recovery, they may need some space
Often, people new in recovery have difficulty with family get-togethers. They are trying to process and learn how to deal with a lot of shame, guilt, and other emotions. They can seem distant to the family in early recovery, especially during holidays. You may catch them outside on the phone more; they are probably calling their network of sober friends because they are struggling with certain things. Maybe they are too willing to run to the store several times, or you find them sitting in a room alone too often. It doesn't necessarily mean they are sneaking around doing something bad (although that could be happening). It may simply mean they need a few minutes to get grounded, as they may feel anxious and overwhelmed. Allow them their process. Yes, even in recovery, they can find themselves acting weird and off, but allowing them their process will make them more likely to confide in you. Ask them if they are okay, be supportive. You don't have to take care of their emotions; they have a network to help them deal with stuff, but compassion and understanding go a long way.
Many families are gearing up for the holidays full of dread about their loved ones, but if we can go into it with open hearts and open minds, we could make this holiday season better for the families. Keep the boundaries, let the anger go, and fill your heart with love and compassion. Sometimes, asking what they need from you can go a long way.
If you have more questions and want to talk through your holiday season you may be worried about, please reach out and email me at Jennifer@ManeelyConsulting.com, and we can strategize for your holiday season.
Please share with other family members and ENJOY your holidays!
